"You will either be the Jerk who doesn't try, or the girl with the charming accent."
-Franz Schramm
Drowsy mornings of sleeping in have now turned into School days with buzzing alarms waking me up before the sun has even began to show its rays. I find myself rushing to get ready in the morning as I push the snooze button as many times as it will allow. My feet drag because even in Austria school is not a joy I look forward to.
School is difficult. It is a burden to go from being one of the top to not understanding almost anything that my teachers utter out of their Austrian mouths. You feel defeated inside for a portion of the time. Because you begin to feel worthless as you sit in the very back row and make your classmates translate to you. You feel awkward because for the first time you are looking over the shoulder next to you and copying someones work.
Books have become my best friend here again. And I find myself in Thalia, the bookstore of Austria, wondering the English shelves. Just stroking the bindings of my loving friends. Who flood me with words of comfort. I am afraid that I will not be able to bring all my newfound loves back home with me. The ones that offer me comfort of understanding when my brain simply can not take any more German. For I am not trying to escape the world of German and not learn, I just need a small break to collect my thoughts and register that I am not incompetent. I need to see that I have mastered my own language. Maybe one day I will be able to pick up the Harry Potter book that I bought in German and understand it. And my English loves will have foreign friends to accompany them on the shelf.
But as my days come and go and I rarely realize how long I have been here. For almost two months. It is alarming. To think that I have been here for that long. I feel as though I was trying to navigate through the Wien Airport just a two weeks ago. Time is only numbers though and I rarely think about it. Rarely remember the day of the week it is. Rarely remember the month and the day. For it doesn't matter for my experience. I want to live by life, not live my numbers.
But even though days slip by, so many things have happened to me. Things that will change me. But, I just don't see the change yet. I am scared to go home already and face everything. For everything will have change a small ounce, but I will change for miles. I will become a different person. Will people recognize me? Will I recognize myself?
My posts have been long awaited by myself. I always write them in my head. But can never type them. I sit in school and write them, but they never make it. I shall cut his one off now. But I make a pact to others, but mostly to myself and my mother. To post more. So I can look back. Look back and see my thoughts.
But my brain is struggling to keep up with my hands as I am tired out of my mind. And my functioning is not well.
Until soon. Until soon, yes, that sounds right.
Current Book - Eat. Pray. Love
Current book: The Fountainhead. Keeps me sane and stops me from dreaming in jibberish.
ReplyDeleteAh Sam, you are SOOO normal. Your brain should hurt from all the new stuff you are trying to cram into it, and you need A LOT of sleep so it can go into "default mode" and recharge for the next day. Don't cheat yourself out on sleep or vitamins. Find a park bench and just "be". Find the joy in that moment and realize that you are climbing a mountain and that you must stop and rest along the way.
ReplyDeleteThis is the hard part, but I have every confidence that you will triumph. We will recognize you when you get home, and we will be so proud of the wonderful young lady you have become!
XOXO
Robin